Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call “Bullshit!” Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%
If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering a friend’s birthday is strictly optional.)
Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
Before dating a buddies ex, you are required to ask his permission; and he, in return is required to grant it.
Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem — you didn’t see nothin’.
The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
Your girlfriend must bond with your buddies’ girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pals (significant dick-heads — low level sports bonding) is all the law requires.
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach. And it’s delivered by a topless supermodel. And it’s free.
Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think “What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin,” you may sit back and enjoy.
Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: “Yeah, baby, push it!” “C’mon, give me one more!” “Harder!” “Another set and we can hit the showers.” “Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?”
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be referring to his beer.
Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.
Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him ... too gay.
Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “Fuck off!” You are absolved of your of responsibility.
The morning after you and a babe who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
In Black Jack, always split aces and eights. No arguments.